Renewing Marital Intimacy by Powlison

Mr. Powlison does a very good job getting to the heart of an intimate marriage in Intimacy. Right from the start, he draws from Mark 4, the parable of the soils. A heart cannot be hard for good marital intimacy. Nor can it be disappointed. Nor can it be distracted. A heart must be faithful, producing good fruit. This can be accomplished my following something called “the First Things” principle. Seeking after anything but God will only bring you sorrow. But seek after Him first, and He shall give you everything, including an intimate marriage (Matthew 6). Seeking intimacy with God is not the same as with a human, but sometimes it looks the same. Facts like He cares about everything that happens to you, and He speaks openly about Himself encourages an intimate creation/Creator relationship.
Following this, he suggests a few practical ideas. One – let forgiveness be your own personal motto. God loved and cared enough to forgive you of anything you’ve done – now turn around and show that love to others, like your spouse. Two – ask questions of them to continue knowing them. For example: what are your joys? Or what are your burdens? Or what do you think is your purpose? Questions like these will spark conversation and communicate that you truly care for the those you inquire of. Three – show love in small ways. It doesn’t have to be expensive or showy to make an impression. Four – Don’t forget that, as your mates spouse, it’s your duty and joy to confront them with things in their life. Though only a loving confronter will get a good response.

What if Life is more about Holiness than Happiness?

 

I stole this title from a book by Gary Thomas.  In the first chapter of Sacred Marriage, Thomas says “…I slowly began to understand that the purpose of marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness.”  Now, obviously, I said life and he said marriage.  But in Ephesians chapter 5, Paul the Apostle reminds us that marriage is but a picture of Christ and the church.  How He leads us, and how we should respond to Him.  So what if life IS more about holiness than happiness?  Does that mean I have to stop playing video games because they make me happy?  Having people over to play board games?  Going to concerts?

I think what Thomas is getting at is that holiness should be of a higher priority than happiness.  And, to apply it to our society, holiness should be a higher priority than it is in America RIGHT NOW.  I think of peoples lives that I know, who desire things like cars or houses.  Or they desire things like promotions and raises.  Is money bad?  Not innately.  But prizing the happiness derived from it more than your personal holiness is.  When we get our priorities switched, when we start asking ourselves “which movie should I watch?” instead of “how can God use me? (another Thomas quote)”, something is wrong with our worldview.

Ok, so say Ive convinced you that holiness should have the highest priority in life.  How does one go about becoming more holy? Or holier?  Romans 5:2b begins “…we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance”  Why would we ever rejoice in our sufferings?  Isn’t difficulty something to be avoided?  Well, this text says that suffering also produces endurance.  That’s something we usually think athletes have.  Endurance to run marathons, right?  Hey, who doesn’t want a little more stamina?  But what does mental endurance look like?  Maybe, more patient with people?  Letting other in front of you in line instead of staking your claim?  Maybe, being better at listening to the people who matter to you when they’re talking?  But is more patience a worthwhile enough prize to go through suffering for?  Pauls letter to the Galatians gives us another clue about endurance.  Chapter 5 says patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit  What? The Holy Spirit?  So, is it possible that gaining endurance makes us holier?  And taken further, suffering makes us holier?  Hmmmm.

Romans 5 goes on to say “and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,”  What?!  There’s more benefits to suffering!?  Being a patient person produces character.  What kind of character?  One that has proven it can be patient with people.  The Expositors Greek Testament explains it as “a spiritual state which has shown itself proof(en) under trial.”  This character produces hope.  Is this not starting to sound like someone you’d like to be?  Would wealth make you feel as fulfilled as being known as someone who’s patient, reliable, and hopeful?  These sound like characteristics worth suffering for.

 

Restoring a Broken Marriage by Jones

Jones in Marriage was very helpful. His outline was very similar to that of the last pamphlet as far as 1: truth about God, 2: practical applications. This truth was that God is literally indispensable in our lives. David calls Him our “refuge” and “fortress.” Just imagine how much David, a king, would understand these terms, especially applying to his personal sin against God. Regardless of our type of infidelity, we have a God that is immovable. Furthermore, He is capable of forgiving any transgression, though that will come up more later.
After seeing this vital aspect of our Creator, Jones moves into the applications of it. For the offender, you need to: 1. break the relationship, 2. Admit the facts, 3. Confess to those involved (including God), 4. Start a plan for change, and 5. Believe the gospel. For the offended, you need to: 1. Find your security in Christ (above!), 2. View the trial biblically, 3. Forgive your spouse unconditionally, 4. Forgive your spouse relationally, and 5. Be patient with the growth process. There are, of course, differences between the two response responsibilities. But there are also some overwhelming similarities, such as the absolute need for communion with God before the relationship can continue. The offender needs to repent before God because they will not be blessed until they do so. The offended needs to forgive the Repenting because they are commanded to. All these things take some doing, and time, with the help of a wise pastor or friend to mediate where needed.

Should Christian Daughters move out if Unmarried?

This concept also seems to be one still debated in conservative circles and one I feel would be good to poll our panel with.  Joining them is two females from the Mid-West.

Male, BA in Theology, MA in Christian Studies, 20’s, Mid-West

“I think that because we’ve had a weakened view of headship in the church over the last 150+ years (I think this is in large part due to Dispensational theology), we’ve allowed cultural assumptions to overwhelm biblical assumptions in the relationship between single adult daughters and their parents.

Certainly, the father is the covenant head of his wife and of his children, but when children are grown, they assume responsibility for their decisions and ultimately have to be the ones to make those decisions. We’ve recognized that for sons (primarily because somewhere along the line we forgot that women are called to rule the earth with men, not under them), and so adult sons are not generally expected to stay at home, because they are not covenanted to their fathers. The covenant of marriage, and its responsibilities and rights, is between husband and wife. This means that a daughter is not called to submit to her dad in the same sense her mother is, because that would entail the same responsibilities without the physical, emotional, and sexual rights that come with such responsibility to submit.

Women, as well as men, are called to leave their fathers and mothers and cleave to their husbands. In the past, there were legitimate reasons for single adult daughters not to leave the home: providing for yourself as a single woman was difficult, there was no means of protection, women were generally less educated and therefore easier to take advantage of, etc.; however, this isn’t really the case anymore. A single woman can be reasonably safe, financially secure, and socially stable in ways most single adult women couldn’t have been 100 years ago.

Again, I think we have to remember that every significant relationship we have is based on covenant. Our relationship with God, with the Church, with our spouses, and with our children who aren’t yet prepared to assume adult responsibility are all regulated by covenant. If a single woman is prepared to accept the responsibility of moving out alone, there is no covenant obligation for her to stay at home. I don’t think she has to leave, but I certainly think she can.”

Female, BA in Office Administration, 40’s, Mid-West

“Graduating from college, I did move out and got an apartment for two years. I was going through some things in Iowa, so… move to Ohio, get a job… the job was okay… the pay left a lot to be desired. So, I couldn’t afford to move out, so it definitely became a thing of convenience. My dad always used to say, “this is the way it should be anyway”. I was always self conscious about what people thought and very sensitive to their remarks. BUT, we never struggled. My mom and I were best friends…. in fact, my friends were their friends and visa versa. We did almost everything together as a family.  It was around the same time that (my) Dad retired that (my) Mom passed away… so by that time, it only made sense for me to stay there and now I am buying the house from him and we share expenses. It may not be the “conventional” way that most people think I should have done it, but… I am thankful for the relationship that my family has had through all these years.”

 

Male, BA in Cross-Cultural Studies, MA in Christian Studies, 20’s, South

“To the… issue of women staying at home until under the headship of another man… I don’t see that in the Bible anywhere other than in the cultural makeup of the Hebrews. It was never prescribed by God, even to Israel, and the NT never rehearsed any teaching on that. Actually, if that was ever going to be something prescribed by God or Christ, it would have been as the Hebrew nation was coming to an end and the church was expanding to the Greek and Roman cultures, and yet even there women are never given the responsibility of staying home until married. While a child is under their parents authority, that only lasts till adulthood. Adulthood is defined by a society, but in most cultures, adulthood is between 16-22. A child should always honor their parents, but for that matter, we should also always honor our pastors, but that doesn’t mean I can never disagree and do something different than what my pastor asks, provided it’s biblical and i’m taking accountability for my actions. However, I may draw practical and biblical principles that I may enforce in my home such as wanting my daughters to wait until 18, or 20, until they begin making any decisions of moving out, and if my children were to ever move out of my home, I would encourage them to immediately find a good church and pastor that will shepherd them and take responsibility for them as a single young adult, but I would have a hard time saying a Christian single woman SHOULD stay home until married.

Also, depending on how “Jewish” we want to be, if that is our example, once a couple is married, they are to move in with HIS family after the wedding, not her family. But even in the Jewish society, there were times a couple would get married and move away. Even Mary, before she was married or out of her father’s home as a young teenage girl, went to go live with her cousin for a while. But even if that is an example, it’s still not prescribed, and if we were to be consistent, there are a lot of other things we should adopt with the “biblical culture” being our standard of example.

I would say that each father is responsible before God to make wise decisions for his family and shepherd them while God gives them to him. However, children do not belong to their parents, they belong to God, and it’s healthy for parents to always keep that in mind that they are training their children to be productive members of society and further God’s kingdom.”

 

How Do I Stop Losing it with My Kids? by Smith

Smith deals with the difficult topic of what to do when your child angers you. At the very beginning he starts with a few thought-provoking questions about what you are really trying to get when you want your children to obey you. If it is bending to your agenda, then you might want to ask yourself who you are trying to get your child to worship. Respect is not something owed to us, but something every parent should desire their child to have to further their spiritual growth. Attempting to force this presence of respect actually achieves the opposite – bitterness. The relationship must be built on the mutual worship of Christ.
Some things that you can do to clear up misunderstandings as a parent are to clarify attitudes. Actions are important but the motivational attitudes behind them are what really matters. Ask your child for their forgiveness when you try to get them to obey you rather than Christ, this will show them that you are trying to be humble too and care more about Gods plan than your own. Don’t fly solo – the church was made and blessed by God for a reason. If you are at a loss of what to do, call up a friend like your mother or pastor. Lastly, make a plan about reacting to your child – the best defense is a good offense.